A story about Opportunities !!!!

A young man wished to marry the farmer's beautiful daughter. He went to the farmer to ask his permission.

The farmer looked at him and said, "Son, go stand out in that field. I'm going to release three bulls, one at a time. If you can catch the tail of any one of the three bulls, you can marry my daughter."

The young man stood in the field awaiting the first bull. The barn door opened and out came the biggest, meanest looking bull he had ever seen. He decided that one of the next bulls had to be a better choice than this one, so he ran over to the side and let the bull pass through.

The barn door opened again. Unbelievable He had never seen anything so big and fierce in his life. It stood pawing the ground, it eyed him. Whatever the next bull was like, it had to be a better choice than this one he thought. He ran to the fence and let the bull pass through.

The door opened a third time. A smile came across his face. This was the weakest bull he had ever seen. This one was his bull, he said to himself. As the bull came running by, he positioned himself just right and jumped at just the exact moment. He threw his hands to grab..... But alas..... The bull had no tail.

Moral : Life is full of opportunities. Always grab the first one..


"PROGRESS is IMPOSSIBLE without CHANGE, and those who CANNOT CHANGE their MINDS, CANNOT CHANGE ANYTHING"

MISSING COLLLEGE LIFE (HINDI)

Missing college life
Yeh degree bhi lelo ye naukari bhi lelo,

Bhale Chheen lo mujhse USA ka Visa...........

magar mujhko lauta do college ka canteen,

vo chaay ka paani vo teeKha samosaa..........

kadi dhoop mein apne ghar se nikalnaa,

vo project ki Khatir shahar bhar bhataknaa,

vo lecture mein doston ki proxy lagaanaa,

vo sir ko chidhanaa ,vo aeroplane udaanaa,

vo submission ki raton ko jagnaa jagaanaa,

vo orals ki kahani vo practical ka Kissaa.....

bimaari ka reason de ke time badhanaa,

vo doosron ke assignments ko apnaa banaanaa,

vo seminar ke din paironka chhatpatanaa,

vo workshop mein din raat pasinaa bahanaa,

vo exam ke din ka bechain maahaul,

par vo maa ka vishvas - Teachar ka Bharosaa..! ...

vo pedon ke neeche gappe ladanaa,

vo raaton mein drawing sheets banaanaa,

vo exams ke akhari din theatre mein jaanaa,

vo bhole se freshers ko hamesha sataanaa,

without any reason common off pe jaanaa,

test ke waqt table mein kitabon ko rakhnaa,

isi tarah teachers ko dena Jhansaa........

college ki sabse purani nishaanee,

vo chaaywala jise saare kehte the... jaani,

vo jaani ke hathon ki 'cutting' chaay meethee,

vo chupkese journal mein bheji hui chitthi,

vo padh tehi chiththi uska bhadakna,

vo chehre ki laali vo aankhon ka Gussaa.....

college ki wo saari lambisi raatein,

vo doston se canteen mein pyaari si baatein,

vo gathering ke din ka ladnaa Jhagadnaa,

vo ladkiyon ka yuhin hamesha akadnaa,

bhulaaye nahin bhool sakta hai koi,

vo college, vo batein, vo shararatein vo javani...

kaash hum phir dohra sakte kahani......

vo kagaz ki kashti vo barish ka pani...

IT-CIANS LEARN WHAT IS LIFE...

“ It's half past 8 in the office but the lights are still on....



PCs still running, coffee machines still buzzing...



And who's at work? Most of them ??? Take a closer look...





All or most specimens are ??



Something male species of the human race...





Look closer...... . again all or most of them are bachelors...





And why are they sitting late? Working hard? No way!!!



Any guesses???



Let's ask one of them...



Here's what he says... "What's there 2 do after going home...Here we get

to surf, AC, phone, food, coffee that is why I am working



late...Importantly no bossssssss!! !!!!!!!!!"







This is the scene in most research centers and software companies and

other off-shore offices.







Bachelors "Time-passing" during late hours in the office just bcoz

they say they've nothing else to do......



Now what r the consequences. ..







"Working" (for the record only) late hours soon becomes part of the

institute or company culture.







With bosses more than eager to provide support to those "working"

Late in

the form of taxi vouchers, food vouchers and of course good feedback,

(oh, he's a hard worker... goes home only to change..!!).



They aren't helping things too....







To hell with bosses who don't understand the difference between

"sitting" late and "working" late!!!







Very soon, the boss start expecting all employees to put in extra

Working hours.







So, My dear Bachelors let me tell you, life changes when u get married

And start having a family... office is no longer a priority, family is...

and

That's when the problem starts... b'coz u start having commitments at

Home too..







For your boss, the earlier "hardworking" guy suddenly seems tobecome a

"early leaver" even if u leave an hour after regular time... after

doing the same amount of work.







People leaving on time after doing their tasks for the day are labelled

as work-shirkers. ..







Girls who thankfully always (its changing nowadays... though) leave on



time are labelled as "not up to it". All the while, the bachelors pat

their own backs and carry on "working" not realizing that they r

spoiling the work culture at their own place and never realize that

they would have to regret at one point of time.







So what's the moral of the story??



* Very clear, LEAVE ON TIME!!!



* Never put in extra time " unless really needed "



* Don't stay back unnecessarily and spoil your company work culture

which will in turn cause inconvenience to you and your colleagues.







There are hundred other things to do in the evening..







Learn music...



Learn a foreign language...



Try a sport.... TT, cricket..... ....





Importantly, get a girl friend or boy friend, take him/her around town...







* And for heaven's sake, net cafe rates have dropped to an all-time low

(plus, no fire-walls) and try cooking for a change.



Take a tip from the Smirnoff ad: *"Life's calling, where are you??"*



Please pass on this message to all those colleagues and please do it

before leaving time, don't stay back till midnight to forward this!!!







IT'S A TYPICAL INDIAN MENTALITY THAT WORKING FOR LONG HOURS MEANS VERY



HARD WORKING & 100% COMMITMENT ETC.





PEOPLE WHO REGULARLY SIT LATE IN THE OFFICE DON'T KNOW TO MANAGE THEIR

TIME. SIMPLE !

Coolest Doubt In MAHABAHRAT

In some remote village of India , one masterji is teaching the

Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'Krishna Janma' part

of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is

going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki

behind the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by

poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain

peak. Third one is born..."







Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I

have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)



Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata

then how come u have one?"







Ramu : “Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to

Kill him,



..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..



WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME JAIL?





Masterji faints......................... ;o)

Peg After Peg......Story of a Drunk

  
You know, I never take risk while drinking.

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen .

I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk ……

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

Me: Any news on chopra’s daughter’s marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking
out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

Me: But still I think chopra’s daughter’s age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old… like an aged horse
Me: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh…

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard’s place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj’s photo &
keepit in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

Me: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that
again, I will cut your tongue…!
Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly…

I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

Me: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face…
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???

AVATAR vs POCAHONTAS (know the truth)

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......


9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Brick : Recruitment technique

 
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?


Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.


Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.


Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.





If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the accounts
Department.



If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing ..



If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.




If they are arranging the
Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.



If they are throwing the
Bricks at each other.
Put them in operations .



If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.



If they have broken the bricks
Into pieces.
Put them in information
Technology.




If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.



If they say they have tried
Different combinations, yet
Not a brick has
Been moved. Put them in sales.



If they have already left for
The day.
Put them in marketing...




If they are staring out of the
Window.
Put them on strategic
Planning..



And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
Other and not a single brick
Has been
Moved.


Congratulate them and put them
In Top management

NEW PROVERBS...

Proverbs by 6 Yr olds
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child the
first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these
keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!


1. Don't change horses...... ......... ...until they stop running.

2. Strike while the......... ......... .......bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before...... ...Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but....... .. how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ........... looks dirty.

7. No news is.......... ..impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ............ . Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ........ math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ..........stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ........... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ............ . pigs.

13. An idle mind is.......... ......... ....the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ............ .. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who......... ......... ...gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is .........! .........not much.

17. Two's company, three's ............ ..... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............ ...... you put on to go to bed.!

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry....... and you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as .......Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ......spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ............ ... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ............ .. see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ........ ... ........ get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

A classic, always fun to read it again

Red Skelton was an old timers' favourite. His humour was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humour. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more.


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere.. ..
but she keeps finding her way back.

4... I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8.. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
For the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it. Those were the good old days when humour didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."

TRAGEDY..

Tragedy
One man had a child

....

...

...



....

...

...

1 year later - man asked the child-what to gift you?

...



...

...



...



child said



ping pong ball



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...



...



...



2'nd b'day-



Father- what gift you want?



Son - ping pong ball



...



...



....



...



3rd b'day



Father- what gift you want?



Son - ping pong ball



...



...



...



....



4th bday



Father- what gift you want?



Son - ping pong ball



...



...



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...



5th bday



Father- what gift you want?



Son - ping pong ball



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6thb'day



Father- what gift you want?



Son - ping pong ball



...



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............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

.



.......



............ ......... ......... ...



24th bday



Father- what gift you want?



Son - ping pong ball



...



....



...



...



....



...



he got married



at honeymoon



Wife-what do u want?



Husband-ping pong ball



...



...



...



....



25th bday



Wife - what gift you want?



Husband-ping pong ball



...



....



....



...



...



...



...



...



26th bday



Wife - what gift you want?



Husband-ping pong ball



...



...



....



...



...



27th bday



Wife - what gift you want?



Husband-ping pong ball



...



...



....



...



...



....



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

.



........



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....



his kids become 15 yrs old



...



...



....



...



40th bday



kids- Father what gift you want?



Father - ping pong ball



...



...



....



...



...



41st b'day



kids- Father what gift you want?



Father - ping pong ball



...



...



...



....



...



...



42nd bday



kids- Father what gift you want?



Father - ping pong ball



...



...



....



...



....



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

.



.......



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

.



......



79th b'day



kids- Father what gift you want?



Father - ping pong ball



...



...



....



...



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

.



.......



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........



time for his death



all the people from whom he took ping pong ball



(Like his Wife, kids and all others) came to him and asked



Why did you ask for ping pong ball all the time?



...



...



....



He said give me a ping pong ball then I will tell you...



....



....



...



Then those people gave him a ping pong ball



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...



...



He said when I will be extremely near to death then I will tell



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During those last moments when he is about to die



everyone reached him and asked



tell us why did you ask for ping pong ball always?



he said.



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............ ........



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I asked for a ping pong ball on my every b'day because



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...

And he died... before he could tell the Reason...

What a tragedy! What a tragedy!!!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mm?

Now don't look at me like thissssssssssssssss …

CHILD MARRIAGE.

sonn
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”
“How about transportation?” the father asked.


“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.

“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

Little Emily

 
Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

HOW TO GO TO HEAVEN

 
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

Then I said, “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

“Well,” I continued, “Then how can I get to heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

HOW WILL U LEARN THINGS

contemplation
Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.

“How does this boat float?”

Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”


Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!

DID U EVER COUGHT ALL D FISH..

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”


“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

swallow the pill

Exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the man answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”


“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the man, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one its hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!”

The drunk

 
Santa walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

Santa takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!”


Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. Santa takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch.

Again, same reaction from Santa. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch. Santa takes a sip and is most satisfied.


All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says, “Hey mishter, tashte this!”

Santa obliges…he promptly spits it out. “It tastes like piss,” Santa shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: “It ish. Now tell me how old am I ?”

FAX MACHINE..

Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”

Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”

Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”


Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”

Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

I AM THANKFUL...

I am Thankful ...
I am thankful:

For the wife
Who says it's hot dogs tonight,
Because she is home with me,
And not out with someone else.


For the husband
Who is on the sofa
Being a couch potato,
Because he is home with me
And not out at the bars.


For the teenager
Who is complaining about doing dishes
Because it means she is at home,
Not on the streets.


For the taxes I pay
Because it means I am employed.


For the mess to clean after a party
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.


For the clothes that fit a little too snug
Because it means I have enough to eat.


For my shadow that watches me work
Because it means I am out in the sunshine


For a lawn that needs mowing,
Windows that need cleaning,
And gutters that need fixing
Because it means I have a home


For all the complaining
I hear about the government
Because it means we have freedom of speech.


For the parking spot
I find at the far end of the parking lot
Because it means I am capable of walking
And I have been blessed with transportation .


For my huge heating bill
Because it means I am warm.


For the lady behind me in church
Who sings off key
Because it means I can hear.


For the pile of laundry and ironing
Because it means I have clothes to wear.


For weariness and aching muscles
At the end of the day
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.


For the alarm that goes off
In the early morning hours
Because it means I am alive.


And I am thankful:
For the crazy people I work with
Because they make work interesting and fun!


And finally, for too much e-mail

Because it means
I have friends who are
Thinking of me.

REALLY FUNNY TO MAKE U SMILE..

Smile if you don't know what's Goin On ...
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.

TRAIN CRASH REALLY FUNNY

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.

RELATION

Realation
01. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

02. Life's Irony: It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

03. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

04. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

05. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

06. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. .. and that is a good thing for any man.

07. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

08. Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life sentence!

09. Marriage is when a man and woman become one, the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

10. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

11. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

12. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

singh is king..

Vegetarian Chicken (Joke) ...
Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Sardar and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Sardar attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Sardar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Sardar's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Sardar, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken, and you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken and you were raised a lamb but now you are a potato and tomato"


After all,

--Singh is King--

gone are school days...

Gone are the Days.....
When

The school reopened in June,

And we settled in our new desks and

benches!


When we queued up in book depot,

And got our new books

and notes!


When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays, yet

managed to line up daily for the morning prayers..

We learnt writing with

slates and pencils, and

Progressed To fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips!


When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to

Color pencils and finally sketch pens!


When we started calculating

first with tables and then with

Clarke's tables and advanced to

Calculators and computers!


When we chased one another in the

corridors in Intervals, and returned to the classrooms

Drenched in sweat!


When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,

Playgrounds,

under the trees and even in cycle sheds!


When all the colors in the world,

Decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays!


When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table,

Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!


When cricket was played with writing pads as bats,

And Neckties and socks rolled into balls!


When few played

'kabadi' and 'Kho-Kho' in scorching sun,

While others simply played

'book cricket' in the

Confines of classroom!


Of fights but no conspiracies,

Of Competitions but seldom jealousy!


When we used to

watch Live Cricket telecast,

In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks!


When few rushed at 3:45 to

'Conquer' window seats in our School bus!

While few others had 'Big Fun', 'peppermint' ,

'kulfi', ' milk ice !' and 'sharbat !' at 4o Clock!

Gone are the days

Of Sports Day,

and the annual School Day ,

And the one-month long

preparations for them.


Gone are the days

Of the stressful Quarterly,

Half Yearly and Annual Exams, And the most

enjoyed holidays after them!


Gone are the days

Of tenth and twelfth standards, when

We Spent almost the whole year writing revision tests!

We learnt,

We enjoyed,

We played,

We won,

We lost,

We laughed,

We cried,

We fought,

We thought.

With so much fun in them, so many friends,

So much experience, all this and more!


Gone are the days

When we used

to talk for hours with our friends!

Now we don't have time to say a `Hi'!


Gone are the days

When we played games on the road!

Now we

Code on the road with laptop!


Gone are the days

When we saw stars Shining at Night!

Now we see stars when our code doesn't Work!


Gone are the days

When we sat to chat with Friends on grounds!

Now we chat in chat rooms......!


Gone are the days

Where we

studied just to pass!

Now we study to save our job!

Gone are the days

Where we had no money in our pockets and still fun filled on our hearts!!

Now we have the atm as well as credit card but with an empty heart!!

Gone are the days

Where we shouted on the road!

Now we don't shout even at home

Gone are the days

Where we got lectures from all!

Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing now....!!

Gone are the days

But not the memories, which will be

Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and

Ever and ever and ever .....


Gone are the Days.... But still there are lot more Days to come in our Life!!

NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU ARE ,

DONT FORGET TO

LIVE THE LIFE THAT STILL

EXISTS...... ...