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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Life's Little Instruction Book


 
Have a firm handshake.

Look people in the eye.

Sing in the shower.

Own a great stereo system.

If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.

Keep secrets.

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

Always accept an outstretched hand.

Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the
difference.

Whistle.

Avoid sarcastic remarks.

Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90
per cent of all your happiness or misery.

Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

Lend only those books you never care to see again.

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

When playing games with ! children, let them win.

Give people a second chance, but not a third.

Be romantic.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as
important as it first seems.

Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments.
It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

Be a good loser.

Be a good winner.

Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

Keep it simple.

Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross
the same river.

Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the
things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to
acknowledge those who helped you.

Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only
stay a few minutes.

Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

Once in a while, take the scenic route.

Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're
terrific.'

Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.

Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table.
Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how
trivial their job.

Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind
you.

Become someone's hero.

Marry only for love.

Count your blessings.

Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

Wave at the children on a school bus.

Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your
ability to deal with people.

Don't expect life to be fair.

Got any Tobacco?



There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a
downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring
rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the
car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still
drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped
lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my
window!!! There's an
old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little
and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his
wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and
yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
again, and the passenger says, "Dude! what do
you think of that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty
fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is
the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!” the passenger
yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window
then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to
forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is
MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU
WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"

FOR ALL MY COLLEGE FRIENDZ I DEDICATE U THIS

4 years of engineering....true
"Don't code today what you can't debug tomorrow"

1. On being Late:

"Kab shuru hui class?"

"Attendance ho gayi kya??"

"Kal raat der tak gappe marte rahe yaar"

"Aab nind nahi khuli to mein kya karu......... bolna ....... kal kya
padaya tha isne"

"Ek page de na.......... abey pen bhi to de, nahi to kisse
likhunga......."

" koi subah kaise aa sakta hai........"

"wo bhi iss class ke liye "





2. During the lecture:

"Yesss!!!! Sirrr.......The answer is

........huuuummmmm.......aaaaaaaa............."

"No sir.....I know the answer ......sir...."

"Saala apne aapko Newtonsamajta hai"

"Abe lecture ko maar goli..... Anjali kya lag rahi hai aaj........"

"Uski tshirt pe kya likha hai dekh"

"Uske bagal mein nahi baith sakta tha kya.......gadha......."

"Kya bore kar raha hai. Bola tha canteen chalte hain .."

"Heads, we go canteen , Tails, we go now!!!"



3. Lab:

"Expt. 2 likha??"

"last time tu aaya the kya?""

"Karna kya hai??"

"Yeh bhai.....merko pata hota to tere pass kyon aata........"

"Areee tu to bura maan gaya.......chal dikha na.....bhau kyo kata
hai...."





4. Sessionals Test:

"sessionals test???? ......Aree yaar...... "

"Kya....... abe unit test mein itna sara topic hai to final mein kya
hoga...."

"Oye Sushil kaha hai......uska roll number mere baad hai.......wo nahi
aaya to mein pakka fail...."

After test......

"yaar pada tha....recall nahi kar paya.......chhod na ....... Canteen
chalega..." SAHI !!





5. For attendance

"I was in the class, attendence bolna bhool gaya"

"Oye usko thoda khush kar list se tera naam hata dega........"

"Bola tha proxy regularly maar........ Saaletera class karne ka kya
faida hua....."



6. Late submission of assignments:

" Maineus ko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein
submit kar dena"

"Ab mein kya karu usne mereko bole bina hi submit kar diya........"

"They should allow XEROX........sala system hi kharab hai "



7 . After exam:

"Yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya? Shitt..."

"kya bol raha hai yaar..aise karna tha kya"

"1st mein 3 marks.....2nd mein 0.......3rd mein 2.......
Gaya..........fail pakka......."

"Yaar notice lagte hi hata dena........wo kya soochegi mera marks dekh
kar......"



8 . VIVA (b4 exam):

"Submission ab tak hua nahi hai , VIVA kya ghanta doonga"

"Aeee.......Akash.....terese kya kya poocha....mood kaisa hai.."

"External ke ghar mein bacche nahi hai kya......."

"Dekh Boss!! external bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ki ab tak
preparation nahi hui hai"



“Abey external ke saath hansi mazaak karo… wok hush ho jayega”


9 . Submission:

"Ye bhi chhapna hai kya?"

"kaat kaat ke likh le...kaon padhta hai"

"Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?"

"Jai ho computer baba ki......jai ho Ctrl C - Ctrl V ki......."

"Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?"





10 .Copying Assignments
(The best one)
:

"Ye tune kya likha hai????"


"Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh, jo nahi samajh mein aa raha
hai uska drawing nikal" [IMAGE]

"Phir bhi, kuch to idea hoga??"

" Maine uska likha hai, mera assignment check ho gaya, tu bhi wohi kar."

"Koi hint........"

"Are baba ghaseet de........na tu samjega na wo........"



12. Exam:

"Jo (mujhe) aata hai, woh (paper mein)aata nahi hai; jo nahi aata hai
woh NAHI aata hai" [IMAGE]..VERY VERY TRUE !!

"ye question 2 saal se nahi poochha hai yaar....to ab kya poochenge"

"ye last time hi poochha thaa......is baar nahi aana chahiye"

"tere paas is ke notes hai??"

"Neend aa rahi mujhe to...thodi der so jata hoo..utha diyo pakka"

"woh chapter... mark weightage 6 marks... (facial ex-pressions speaks
the story)"

"nahi samjha to rat le" - PERFECT ONE

"Iss paper mein roll number ke kya order hai........"

"Ek aur din ka gap de dete to kya 3rd World War ho jata tha kya........."
I AGREE !! !!



This one is dedicated to all my friends:


"bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai

Aaj har wo din jeene ko man karta hai.

kuch buri batein jo ab acchi lagti hain

kuch batein jo kal ki hi batein lagti hain.

abki baar class attend karne ka man karta hai

Dopahar ki class mein aakhein band karne ko man karta hai.

Doston ke room ki wo baatein yaad aati hai

exam ke time pe wo hasi mazak yaad aati hai,

college ke paas Jaggi ka dhabe ki yaad aati hai

tab ki bekar lagne wali photos chehre pe hasi laati hai.

Apni galtiyon pe tumse daat khana yaad aata hai.

Par tumhari galti dekhne ka ab bhi mann karta hai.

Ek aisi subah uthne ka mann karta hai

bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai.

bas ek bar aur

wapas lautne ka man karta hai."

Year : 2050




Place : IBM , USA
(Two Americans Talking)

Currency Conversion Rate : INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100

Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?

John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.

Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.

John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.

Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?

John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM .

Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA

John: Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.

Alex: So, when are you leaving?

John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.

Alex: How long are you going to stay in India .

John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta .. (green card)

Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .

John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.

Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad , Bangalore and Mumbai.

John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.

Alex: Where did you get the offer, Hyderabad?

John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.

Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! What about in Bangalore, Mumbai?

John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Hyderabad. It is like the world headquarters of software

Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.

John: You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2 ,00,000/- but has got a lovely design.

Alex: By the way, who is your client?

John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specialising in Embedded Software.

Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.

My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most liveable place in India , probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.

John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.

Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?

John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL I.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.

Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.

John: Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.

Alex: You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.

John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at aSiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-Tech City of Bangalore . Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.

Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys.

John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.

Alex: OK, Good Luck John.

John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say " Namaste, aap kaise hai " to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa if you don't greet him that way.



GOD ALWAYS GIVES OPPURTUNITY!!

Come with me to a third grade classroom..... 

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.

He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it..

When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself,

"Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz! "

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.

Each and everyone one of us are going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can.